extreme times call for extreme measures...

I didn't want to write about this. I actually prefer not talking about it at all. To anyone. Except for my sweet husband who, since Sunday, has asked to be called "Sensei." Yes. "Sensei." Like that episode of The Office where Dwight and Michael get in a karate fight. Why would a husband as awesome and handsome as mine want to be called "Sensei" you ask? Well, it has to do with drastic changes to one of my favorite things in life - food and what I'm eating.

For years now I have "tried" to lose weight. I avoid talking about this because a) it makes me embarrassed because I feel like I should be grown woman enough to not have to be insecure about my body, b) it seems like the only thing women talk about is their weight and I want to think I'm better than that even though I'm not, and c) admitting I am trying to lose weight means I have to tell everyone if I fail. Or, even if I don't tell everyone, it will be painfully obvious when they see me. As I believe I've mentioned before, I fear failure. It's a deep wound. I've been working on it, and it's expensive (side note: an MFT friend of mine told me that all research points to getting more out of therapy the more you pay for it), but I'm grateful for the growth I'm experiencing, as each day brings new freedom and grace. So I avoid talking about it, and really, often avoid actually trying hard because - hello - I am Kristin, I love food.

Back to my "Sensei." As I was saying, for years I have tried to lose weight with no success. I actually have put on 10 pounds since I started the "Kristin, get it together and seriously re-evaluate your life or you'll be busting out of your pants in a matter of months" lifestyle change. Clearly I'm having a hard time making things happen on my own. Glenn has offered to be my Coach several times (most likely because he's so sick of hearing me gripe about it and is also, as most men are, convinced he knows the best way to do everything. the problem is, with Glenn, he's usually right, which has the potential to be even more irritating... I digress.) Every time he offers to coach me, I say no. Not just no, but NO! AbsoLUTELY not! I have had no interest in being hounded by my spouse about what and where I'm eating, or being told that I need to run faster and try harder by the father of my future children.

Last week I hit a low point. Maybe it was never wanting this photograph to become a reality, as flattering as it is. I agreed to let "The Glenn Murdock Experience" try to morph my body into all it was created to be. The following is a timeline of the events of the past week, including a handful of text messages between G and myself. This is for real, people. Every text was sent out of pure desperation. Judge if you must.

Saturday night: Slight meltdown in the car driving home from Arizona with Glenn. He takes advantage of me in my weakened, vulnerable state and somehow manages to convince me to let him be my weight loss coach. He asks me to call him "Sensei." I say no.

Sunday: Day one. I'm feeling hungry, and all I can think about is how delicious a cappuccino and Bread & Cie ANYTHING would taste. All this protein is going to my head. I have dinner plans to meet up with fun out of town friends Sean & Erin and Matt & Kate so Coach lets me have a glass of wine and more carbs than he ever normally would.

Monday: All I want is a muffin or bready treat of some sort. I don't give in. Around 2pm, my work neighbors invite me over for some food they are making. I am starving, even though I've eaten about 4 meals already at this point in the day. Their "food" winds up being apple-peach cobbler with ice cream. I have a small portion. It tastes amazing. I go home and make myself a healthy dinner, then desperation hits so I start to text "Sensei."

K: "I want dessert, what can I have?"

G: "Where are you"

K: "Home."

G:"With who?" (yikes! paranoid much?!)

K: "Caitlin, Kim, and Sheri."

G: "Have an apple. (I can just picture your reaction to that.)"

K: "It was an eye roll."

G: "Are you asking Let You Have Anything You Want Glenn or Coach Glenn?"

K: "Coach, but be nice."

I have one Oreo and a few almonds, as well as the apple.

Tuesday: Massive cravings for all things I'm not supposed to eat. Random sampling of text messages I sent throughout the day.

"Ok first off I just had to turn down Bronx Pizza, and second I am wondering when I will stop wanting to eat good tasting food."

"When I lose weight will we change the food plan so I can eat like a normal person again?" which received a response of YES and I followed up with: "I'm about to lose 25 pounds in a week so I can make that a reality."

"Mariann has chocolates she wants to share with me"

G: "The world is against you!"

And my personal favorite, which made sense in the conversation but looks totally alcoholic out of context: "Umm, ok... so I had a glass of wine but no food."

Wednesday: Feeling like a normal human being, a member of this fine species, a citizen of the world's best country, I resist the Nordstrom Cafe carrot cake and drink a LOT of water. I still can't wait for the day that sugar is part of my diet again, but for now, I think I might be able to do this.

Until the next text-message breakdown, that is.